Reality Is Insanity
by Riz-I
Summary: "Your perfume smells like my Grandma's cat." "Oh yeah? Well you smell like a failed abortion but you don't hear me complaining." In which real life turns out to be even more ridiculous than Sasuke as Rapunzel and Naruto as a Particle Physicist.
1. Chapter One

**Reality Is Insanity**  
><strong>Chapter One<br>In Which Ino And Sakura Are Introduced  
><strong>**riz-i**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Writing this was like writing Workplace? during the first 30 or so chapters. It was fun, it made _me _laugh and it was effortless. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This story is very heavily inspired by my own life and my own friends so hopefully the characters and situations they get into will feel really authentic as well. The dynamic between Sakura and Ino is pretty much the exact dynamic I have with my best friend and OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN AND I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS AND IT WOULD MAKE MY LIFE IF YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT TOO. Review? :)**

**Right, reformatted to make it non-script format (if it's still not good enough, I have no doubts my DEAR _DEAR_ FRIENDS at the Fanfiction Rent-a-Cop Department will let me know). No stupid chatroom spelling is used and my grammar and punctuation should be correct except for small typos and maybe the odd ':' instead of ';' and vice versa.**

**So here's your Key: -Ino, -**Sakura, -Kiba, -_Sasuke, -**Shikamaru**_

**Also... it's BBM, not a chatroom. Only internet predators and old people use _chatrooms _anymore. **

* * *

><p>"Today begins a new era in your lives. The next two years will be of the utmost importance and, depending on how you perform, will either open or close many doors in your future-"<p>

Ino struggled to stifle a yawn as Sarutobi began his customary opening speech for Sixth Formers. It was basically a modified version of his speech for new Year Sevens. While it had been inspiring and motivational in Year Seven; it was now tired and boring and Ino was becoming tired and bored. She reached into her satchel and pulled out her Blackberry. Making sure it was on vibrate, she signed on to BBM.

"I knew you'd be on." She smiled.

* * *

><p><strong>-Whoaaaa child. Clocked Sasuke Uchiha yet?<strong>

* * *

><p>Ino had been seriously impressed when Sasuke Uchiha; her ex-crush and- even if she no longer harboured feelings for him- the guy who was undoubtedly the best looking person in their year and, now that Itachi and his gang (known as the Akatsuki) had all gone on to University, maybe even the school had walked in that morning.<p>

He'd looked good enough in school Uniform all these years but now that he was in excellently cut jeans, a deep green t-shirt and a rich brown leather jacket… she was practically salivating.

* * *

><p>-Of course I have. Who do you think I am? I thought you were with Shikamaru, gtfo my man Yakamana.<p>

**-Calm yourself, bitch. He's putting it out there. I'm just appreciating it. And Shikamaru and I are just having _sex_ you stupid bint. It's not like it's _serious_ or anything. Also, your immature misspelling of my name might have been funny in Year 2, but we're in Sixth Form now. It's getting old. Oh no wait. It was old _ten years ago_.**

-Erm, might I remind you that I, unlike you, you insufferable whore, am still a _virgin_. Your sexcapades are mentally scarring me. And what you chatting? It's never going to _not_ be funny.

* * *

><p>Sakura had been absolutely gobsmacked when she got back from her holiday in India and rang Ino to catch up and Ino had revealed her newly formed, completely physical relationship with Shikamaru Nara.<p>

"Oh yeah, Saks. While you were away riding elephants and camels-"

"That's not what I was doing Ino, I was-"

"Excuse me! I'm talking about me right now. Please shut up and listen. Anyway, you know while you were gone being all Mother Theresa, you missed Kankuro's All-American Party?"

"Yeah. I was really looking forward to that. I heard he even bought an actual Keg."

"You keep forgetting that this conversation is about me, Saks. So basically, I was looking fiiierce as Wonder Woman."

"Oh no…"

"Oh yes. Everybody's eyes were glued to me when I walked in. Guys because they wanted me and girls because they wanted to be me. You can call me big headed or whatever but you know it's true. This body has been pilated and dieted to perfection. But then this creepy guy with like, loads of white face make-up and purple eyeliner and stupid, greasy, long, black hair kept trying to pat my arse and I was like 'OH NO YOU DIDN'T!' but he tried to wrist-grab me into an empty room- and let me tell you, wrist-grabbing is only okay in Korean Dramas when the guy doing said wrist-grabbing looks like bloody Hyun Bin or something… This was just scary."

However dysfunctional their friendship, Sakura was still Ino's best friend so she immediately asked "Oh my God. Ino, were you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I mean, I wasn't at that moment because I couldn't get him off me but then all of a sudden, this arm just came out of nowhere and grabbed Creepo's arm and pulled his hand off my wrist. And then the owner of aforementioned mysterious arm said in this really scary voice 'If you don't leave this party right now, I'm going to call the police.' He then shoved me into a room and told me to wait there while he personally escorted the sick pervert out. Well, I knew who it was by then, Saks, but I'm going to keep you in the dark for just a bit longer."

"Ino…" Sakura groaned.

"So anyway, he came back and I was just sitting on the bed. And I was like 'Thanks.' And he said 'It's your fault, you know.' And so I was like 'And this is why women don't come forward when they've been raped. Because they get the blame for it.' And he just sighed and came and sat down next to me and said 'You're so troublesome, Yamanaka.'"

Sakura had squealed. "OH MY GOD NO FREAKING WAY!"

"Yes! It was Shika. And he took my hand and said 'Ino, there isn't a single guy in this house who doesn't want you right now. You're hardly wearing anything and you look absolutely beautiful.'"

"Wait. Those were his exact words? Not 'hot' or 'a babe' but… beautiful?"

"I know right? So then I looked into his eyes and did my Princess Di chin-tilt-look-up-killer-smoulder and asked 'When you say there isn't a single guy in this house who doesn't want me right now… does that include you?'"

"INO I'M GOING TO BURST THIS IS SO GOOD!"

"And so he said 'What do you think?' And then we did it till both of us were too tired to move and just kind of passed out. I woke up first and just kind of, lifted his arm off my waist, got dressed and left. But then I called him a couple of nights later and asked if he was up for some more fun and he was like 'Whatever.' So we've been meeting regularly ever since."

* * *

><p><strong>-Grow up. And while you're doing that, maybe look into getting some implants, yeah?<strong>

-Shut up. At least I haven't worn a _white _shirt with a _neon pink _bra. And _how short _is your skirt?

**-The regulations state that the skirt has to be at least mid-thigh. It's not _my_ fault my legs are so long.**

-Even if it is regulation length, there's _no way_ wearing a skirt _that tight _is good for you. You're cutting off all the circulation to your legs!

**-GOOD! That means my legs will be really pale. It's such a pain being blonde; if I put on fake tan, all the Trolls say I'm a slut.**

-Ino… you _are _a slut.

**-This is true. But I don't need _them _telling me that. I mean- you know that Temari girl in the year above?**

-Yeah.

**-Well, every time she walks past me in Town or at Ichiraku's or just randomly in the street, she does this stupid thing like *cough*_slag_*cough* and when I confronted her like "You wanna _go bitch_?" She went to Shika and complained I was violent and mean to her for no reason. He found me later on and told me to stop being such a pain and when I asked him why he was taking her side he was like "It's not like we're in a relationship."**

* * *

><p>That had hurt. Ino knew what she and Shikamaru were doing was purely physical and he was there to satisfy a craving- but it still hurt that he would put it so bluntly. And it <em>always <em>hurts when somebody doesn't take your side, it doesn't matter _who _it is.

* * *

><p>-What a little bitch. Want me to trip him?<p>

* * *

><p>Ino almost burst out laughing right there and then. Sakura was so, so naïve and innocent. It's probably why they got on so well. Opposites attract and all that jazz. Or was that just for romantic relationships? Whatever.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>-… How old are you? <em>Five<em>? It's fine, I got him back ;)**

-How?

**-Virgins shouldn't be asking such stupid questions. Speaking of, are you _finally _going to get with Sasuke this year?**

* * *

><p>Sakura almost jumped out of her seat. <em>How <em>had she forgotten to mention this.

* * *

><p>-OH I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THIS! Karin accidentally text <em>me <em>instead of Suigetsu saying _"I had to remove him as a friend on Facebook. Sui… it broke my heart." _And then when I checked, their Statuses had changed to 'Single' and they weren't Friends anymore.

**-I already _knew _all that (except for the Karin accidentally texting you thing which is totally brilliant, I hope these slip ups continue). So many people Liked '_Sasuke Uchiha went from In a Relationship to Single'_. It was _so trashy_. I'm so proud of you for staying classy, Saks. My point is, _how are you going to take advantage of this fortunate twist of fate_?**

* * *

><p>- <span>Ino, have you listened to a WORD Sarutobi's said this Assembly?<span>

**-Why are you talking to me?**

* * *

><p>Kiba looked at his phone and then over at Ino who was sitting a few rows back and currently scowling and raising an eyebrow at him. Kiba silently snarled at her and turned back to face the front<p>

* * *

><p><span>-She's a bitch.<span>

_**-Who?**_

-Yamanaka.

_**-Oh.**_

-Just 'Oh.'? That's all you have to say to that? You're the one who's been in love with her since we were kids and now you're sleeping with her you STILL can't get her into a serious relationship. -She's going to chew you up and SPIT YOU OUT man.

**- _Great._**

-I give up with you man.

_**-Good.**_

* * *

><p>-I'm not taking advantage of anything. I want <em>him <em>to come to _me_. You know we did in Biology how the male is supposed to woo the female and the female is supposed to respond?

**-That was about Mallard Ducks…**

-IT STILL APPLIES! We're all animals, fundamentally.

**-Saks, what the hell am I going to do with you? You're so freaking innocent. You know what you need? You need to get the hell _laid_. I mean, it's not like you're _ugly_. Do you think I would keep you around if you were? There are totally a whole _busload _of guys who would do you in a sec.**

* * *

><p>Ah. Ino had reverted to her old tactic of 'If-In-Doubt-Quote-Song-Lyrics'. But it wasn't a lie. Sakura was totally hot. Not hotter than <em>her, <em>obviously. But better than most people in their school. Definitely hotter than that Temari bitch… Oops. Was that a sour grape Ino could taste?

* * *

><p>-Of course you'd keep me around if I was ugly. So you'd look better in comparison. But I know I'm not ugly- I just have a massive forehead. But that's okay because I have a fringe and <em>great <em>eyebrows. I'm going to ignore your suggestion because that's as sick as sleeping with someone without any feelings… Oh wait.

**-Ouch. That one was low.**

-I'm sorry.

**-Don't sweat it. I'm a big girl now- and it's true.**

-Yeah, but still.

**-Don't worry bitch tits. I'm working on a plan. ;)**

-I'm already scared.

**-As you should be.**

* * *

><p><em>-I need to talk to you about something after we get out.<em>

-Sure?

_-Why was that a question?_

-Since when do _you_ ever need to speak to _me_? I didn't know if you had the wrong person or something.

_-No, Haruno. I need to speak to you when this Assembly ends. It's stupid and I don't know why I feel like I need to tell you, but I do. It'll only take a few minutes_

* * *

><p>-OMG INO HELP ME! HELP ME RIGHT NOW! LOOK AT WHAT <em>HE <em>JUST SENT ME! "_Sasuke Uchiha: No, Haruno. I need to speak to you when this Assembly ends. It's stupid and I don't know why I feel like I need to tell you, but I do. It'll only take a few minutes" _OMG INO WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO YOU THINK HE WANTS TO SAY? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!

* * *

><p>Ino looked over to where Sakura was sitting and saw her turning bright red and start fidgeting up and down in her seat. Her fingers started flying across the keyboard.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>-First off, <em>stop fidgeting. <em>**

**-Second- check your teeth.**

* * *

><p>Ino watched to make sure her instructions were followed.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>-Now, deep breath and calm yourself down. Red face and pink hair looks just plain ridiculous.<strong>

* * *

><p>Sakura's complexion started to return to normal.<p>

* * *

><p>"And so with that, I wish you all the best of luck in the year ahead, and I hope you all do myself, the school but most of all- <em>yourselves<em> proud! You are dismissed. Please leave in an orderly fashion, one row at a time, starting at the back." Sarutobi finished his speech and left the stage.

* * *

><p><strong>-I've got to go now. But I'll see you in Class, you filthy hawk. Let me know how it goes. Good luck. ;)<strong>

* * *

><p>-Ino… He just told me that Naruto likes me and asked me if I wanted to get with him.<p>

**-**And I just said yes.

**-**WHAT HAVE I JUST DONE!

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Words cannot describe how fun this is to write. Review if there's anything you want to say? :) They're very much appreciated and I promise you I do read every single one. And seriously, I love this so much that I'm probably going to reply to you... So if you don't want me to, just let me know in the review. :D AHHHH SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!**


	2. Chapter Two

**Reality Is Insanity  
>Chapter Two<br>In Which Sakura Most Definitely Does Not Impress Sasuke  
>riz-i <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Every single thing on Ino's list is something I've done to **_**the same one person**_** at school. Though I didn't actually like this guy- I behaved like a complete **_**idiot **_**whenever he was around. I didn't even have to **_**know **_**he was there to be behaving like that. Which brings me to the conclusion that maybe I **_**always **_**act like a complete idiot and these are just the times I've been caught by somebody who isn't a friend. Review? :)**

**This chapter's Key- _-_Ino** -Sakura -_Sasuke _-Naruto

**And when they're passing notes- Ino **_Sakura_

* * *

><p><strong>- <strong>_She said yes._

**- **You're kidding?

**-** _How many years have you been following me around?_

**-** We've been friends since we were 11.

**-** _And during that time, have I _ever_ struck you as the kind of person who 'kids'?_

**- **She seriously said yes?

**- **Wait- you didn't threaten her, did you?

**- **Sasuke?

**- **SASUKE?

* * *

><p><strong><span>THIS HOMEWORK DIARY BELONGS TO:<span>** **YAMANAKA COMMA INO**  
><strong><span>IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO:<span>** **Your boyfriend. He'll get it to me. **

**SEPTEMBER 3RD**

_OMG Ino. I don't know what to do! I don't _like _Naruto. Well, I mean I like him sure, but not _LIKE _like him. Not in the same way I like Sasuke._

**Sakura, have you given any consideration to the thought that this might just be a **_**good**_** thing?**

_In what __universe__ could this ever be considered a _good thing?

**In the Universe where you've been pining after the **_**same **_**unattainable guy for **_**five years **_**and he is **_**still so clueless **_**that he asks you out… for his BEST FRIEND!**

* * *

><p><strong>SEPTEMBER 4TH<strong>

_You're right. You're totally right. I mean, it's not like I've done anything to _impress _Sasuke or anything. _

**Understatement of the millennium.**

_What do you mean?_

**Do you really want to get into this now?**

_Yes, I do. What are you talking about?_

* * *

><p><strong>SEPTEMBER 5TH<strong>

**Wait a second, let me just grab a sheet of paper from my file. We've used up a whole page of my homework diary. And it's still only September 2nd. **

* * *

><p><strong>A LIST. TO HIGHLIGHT THE TOP TEN INSTANCES WHEN SAKURA HARUNO<br>HAS MOST DEFINITELY NOT IMPRESSED SASUKE UCHIHA **

**ONE- That time when you came out from the PE changing rooms and he was standing in the corridor just talking to Naruto and Kiba and you, instead of doing the normal person thing and **_**saying "Excuse me."**_**, BARGED THROUGH THE THRONG, elbowing Sasuke in the stomach and **_**GROWLING LIKE A RABID DOG.**_

_OH CRAP I REMEMBER THAT. He asked me on MSN (lol Ino… do you even remember when we used to use MSN) later that night why I growled at him and if there was something wrong with me mentally. I said to him, and I quote '_u iz well batty. nah i jst neeyyded 2 get fru n u gyz wernt mooovin LOLCOPTER'.

**jc… this is even more hopeless than I thought.**

**TWO- That time on your birthday when we were all sitting on the field eating that sack of chocolate Tenten got you and Naruto called you over asking for some. You took over a box of Maltesers and offered them round to **_**everyone, including Shino…**_** And then when it got to Sasuke, you **_**YANKED **_**the box away from him and **_**screamed**_** "NO NOT YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOU!" and then, as if that weren't bad enough you then realised what you'd done and screamed "OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME! PLEASE TAKE ONE!". **_**Threw **_**the box at his **_**face**_** and ran away.**

_Oh my God._

**It gets better.**

**THREE- Do you remember that year we got all that snow and we were strictly forbidden from throwing snowballs anywhere other than the Courts? You picked up a hunk of snow, **_**packed it into an iceball**_** and then **_**hurled **_**it at the back of Sasuke's head… from something like a metre behind him. I have NEVER heard anyone yell "OWW!" that loudly. And then when he turned around and when Sarutobi came running out of his office to see what had happened, you had your hand up and were just **_**staring at it**_** like it was possessed.**

_It probably _WAS_._

**FOUR- That time he came up behind you and whispered "Stop dragging your feet when you walk." In your ear. So you, classy laydee that you are… turned around and PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE.**

**FIVE- Once when he was chasing Naruto full pelt down a corridor, you, **_**while deep in conversation with me**_**, stuck your foot out and tripped him. **

_It's like I don't even have to _know he's there _to be a complete tit…_

**I'll say.**

**SIX- When our two classes had PE at the same time and we were running down to the field and we took that shortcut through the park. You jumped in the stream and started using your hands as fake chin-tentacles or something yelling "LOOK GUYS! I'M A SQUID!" and then **_**who **_**should run round the corner but Mr Uchiha himself.**

**SEVEN- On the French Trip when you were trying to pass your iPod to Hinata and he reached out for it to help you pass it on and you pulled it back **_**so quickly **_**it slipped out of your hand and slammed into a window.**

**EIGHT- Again on the French Trip when you were beasting that Zombie Shoot Out Gun game at the Petrol Station and you ran out of money but when you put more in, it still wouldn't work so you started getting really panicky because you were about to get eaten and Sasuke, who was playing beside you, leaned over and you **_**literally screeched **_**"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" and what he **_**did… **_**was press the START BUTTON!**

**NINE- This one was one of my particular favourites because I witnessed it. Remember when you were messing about with my stockings pretending they were long pigtails, jigging around singing "I'm Pippi LONGSTOCKING. Get it? Because I have LONG STOCKINGS?" And then you turned around and **_**Sasuke **_**was there? Looking **_**absolutely disgusted**_**.**

_Really? You thought he was disgusted? I thought he was just trying to keep himself from smiling._

**You're delusional.**

**TEN- We were sitting on the bench at the top of the Terraces, on which almost the entire school was sitting. You were talking to me and kicking your feet when suddenly, your shoe **_**flew off **_**and soared; over the heads of all the bratty new Year Sevens on the top Terrace and the heads of all the filthy Year Nine slags on the one below that. Oh. Your shoe flew much further- to the **_**bottom Terrace**_** and landed **_**SMACK **_**into the back of Sasuke Uchiha's head. Do you know what's hilarious though? (Other than the moment you realised you would have to go and ask for your shoe **_**back**_** from him). There is no way you could have **_**aimed **_**it. Your stupidity actually transcends tangible statistical probability and descends into subconscious cosmic sabotage…**

* * *

><p>"Miss Haruno, I would be most grateful if you would please stop repeatedly banging your head on your desk and get on with the work I've assigned."<p>

Sakura looked up, dazed. "Huh what?"

"The Summary Questions on Enzyme Reactions- please get on with them."

* * *

><p><strong>- <strong>Hey Sakura.

* * *

><p><strong>- <strong>Ino… he's trying to start a conversation with me. WHAT DO I SAY?

**-** **Be cool. Whatever you do, be cool. Don't spaz out and don't, _whatever you do_, talk about the fact that the reason you skipped our Year Eleven Prom was because you were having a Lord of the Rings Marathon Day with Lee and Tenten…**

**- **HEY! We also watched the entire Season One of Avatar: The Last Airbender when we finished.

**-** **You're such an effing geekbucket.**

* * *

><p><strong>-<strong> Hey.

**-** So er, I don't really know how this goes.

**- **Yeah. Me neither.

- I mean literally I've NEVER had a girlfriend before.

**-** Yeah. Me neither.

**- **Had a boyfriend, I mean.

**- **LOL. I figured that's what you meant.

* * *

><p><strong>-<strong> **I forgot to mention. FLIRT GIRL. FLIRRRRRRT. Make the most of the situation. You work for the School Paper. USE DEM WRITING SKILL GURRRLFWEND!**

**- **That's only because I needed an Extra-Curricular that didn't require balls flying towards my face/ me running after a ball with some sort of malformed stick.

**-** **There's so much I could say to that it's not even funny.**

**- **You make me sick.

* * *

><p><strong>-<strong> Oh, I guess that means we're on the same wavelength then.

* * *

><p>She thought for a second and then shuddered as she typed the next three letters and hit Send.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>- <strong>LOL

**-** Hah. So, can you guess what I'm thinking about?

* * *

><p>What he's thinking? Sakura rolled her eyes.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>- <strong>Food?

**- **LOL you're funny. Nooooo. Strike One.

* * *

><p>Stupid jock. Why did they <em>always <em>have to make things about sport? And we're not even American. Why is he using a Baseball Analogy _anyway_?

* * *

><p><strong>-<strong> Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

**- **If you'd said that a couple of minutes ago, you would have been right. But nope. Strike Two.

* * *

><p><strong>- <strong>**I hope you're flirting those filthy fingers off…**

**-** Ino. He's driving me insane. But okay. I'll try.

* * *

><p><strong>-<strong> I really don't know. Me naked?

* * *

><p><strong>-<strong> _Naruto just squealed like a girl and jumped out of his seat, a series of actions for which he is currently being reprimanded by Kakashi at the front of the class. As the idiot dropped his phone, when I reached over to pick it up I happened to see your last exchange with him._

**-** _I'm not impressed._

* * *

><p>"Miss Haruno, as you have once again returned to <em>repeatedly <em>banging your head on the desk, can I assume that you have completed all of the Summary Questions on Enzyme Reactions?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Writing this is bringing back memories which are so hilarious I've literally been laughing the entire way through this. Hope you enjoyed it. Review? :)**


	3. Chapter Three

**Reality Is Insanity  
>Chapter Three<br>In Which Disaster Strikes  
>riz-i <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Key for this chapter- -Ino<strong> –Sakura –_**Ino Being Sakura**_** –**_Sasuke_

**I don't own the characters of Naruto but everything in this story is based on my actual life and friends (and enemies and teachers and family and random strangers). If you plagiarise it, that's like reading someone else's diary and saying it's your own. You'd basically be admitting to being '**_**foreveralone**_**'. ;) **

**For the memes mentioned in the argument (Which actually happened- except it was with our Geography teacher. Who (sadly) retired later that year.) check out memebase for Forever Alone, Just Trollin' and Me Gusta.**

* * *

><p><strong>-Sakura, what did Sasuke say?<strong>

-How do you know it was Sasuke?

-**Well, isn't that who you were talking to?**

-No. I was talking to Naruto.

-**FOR GOD'S SAKE SAKURA WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE? I WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU TO **_**FLIRT **_**WITH NARUTO FHS! WHAT DID YOU SAY?**

-Look, I'll just give you my phone and you can read it. Which begs the question- _why _are we BBMing anyway when we're sitting next to each other?

-**Because, idiot, Iruka can hear and see us talking but because the desks are blocked on that side, he **_**can't **_**see us typing. Now, give it here!**

* * *

><p>Sakura passed Ino her phone and put her head in her hands and cringed to herself.<p>

* * *

><p>"Well er…" Ino passed back Sakura's phone. Sakura looked up to face her best friend with a tiny glimmer of hope in her eyes. "Saks, even <em>I <em>don't know what to say to that and this is _me_. I mean, this is a disaster." All traces of hope now well and truly gone, Sakura's eyes started to fill with tears. "Oh for _heaven's sake Saks, _don't be so pathetic. We can _salvage _this.

"Really?"

Ino winked and tossed her hair. "Who do you think I am? Of course we can. But we have to work quickly- pass me your phone again." Sakura complied. "And whatever you do, _don't _read over my shoulder and for _God's sake if you do, don't stop me mid-flow._"

"Ino… what are you going to do?"

Ino smiled the smile she had worked on perfecting with Sakura and her own bathroom mirror for weeks a few Summers ago before turning her eyes to Sakura's phone. "Don't worry about it. You just worry about Enzyme Reactions. Here, do mine too." Without turning her eyes, she pushed her exercise book over to Sakura.

* * *

><p>-<em><strong>Why would I care whether you're impressed or not, you egotistic prick?<strong>_

_-Excuse me?_

_**-You're excused. Now answer my question.**_

_-What the hell is wrong with you, Haruno?_

_**-Sorry, I guess I'm just sick of boring my friends to death talking on and on and **_**ON**_** about people who pretend like they don't even know I exist.**_

_**-And I mean, I might not leave a favourable impression since I'm such a clumsy geekbucket with pretty much no control over my limbs.**_

_**-But I'm so smart it sometimes scares my best friend IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO I WOULD DIE FOR AND WHO HAS A BETTER FASHION SENSE THAN ME AND IS PRETTIER AND FAR SUPERIOR TO ME IN EVERY WAY EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO ACADEMIA and I'm really pretty.**_

_**-Plus I have **_**fantastic **_**eyebrows.**_

_-Haruno, are you _high?

_**-Sometimes, just sometimes, I don't care how pretty you are… I just want to throw a truck at your face.**_

_-I don't get why you're being so touchy. Are you PMSing or something. _

* * *

><p>"MISS YAMANAKA! I don't know <em>what's <em>gotten into you and Miss Haruno today but _screaming _in class is _not _acceptable behaviour!"

"I'm sorry Sir. I just have _really painful stomach cramps_. If you know what I mean." She winked at their long suffering Biology teacher and, ignoring the whispers of "Did you _see _that? _She's such a slut._" That began being fired around the classroom, Ino returned to the most aggravating conversation she'd had in a _long _time.

* * *

><p>-<em><strong>No. I'm not PMSing. I'm just angry.<strong>_

_-What? Because I read what you said to Naruto? _

_-I don't _care _or anything._

_**-Every message you send kicks my temper up another notch.**_

_-You've never seemed like the type to get angry. You mostly just scream and run away._

_**-That's because I'm hopeless.**_

_-You've also never been _this _self-deprecating before._

_**-What does that even mean?**_

_-Who is this?_

_**-Sakura? Who else would it be?**_

_-If this is Sakura, why don't you understand a word _YOU _taught me? Is this Ino?_

_**-If you asked me what it meant, then I probably Googled it so I'd sound smart. **_

_-__**Which is what **_**you **_**should've been doing instead of asking me.**_

_**-**__It was after I broke my leg and couldn't play football that term. I didn't ask. "You're" the one who told me I'd be great when I got better and not to be too SELF-DEPRECATING while I was out of the team. _

_**-And you still had no idea…**_

_-About what? Give the phone back to Sakura, Ino. I know it's you. _

* * *

><p>"He wants to talk to you."<p>

"What?" Sakura's hand skidded across the page, leaving a big black line across it. "Oh no!"

"I'll be taking this. And this."

"NOOO!" Both Sakura and Ino howled as their phones were taken from their hands.

"Don't worry, I won't read your mundane babble. Look. I'm switching them off and you can have them back at the end of the day."

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Ino glared at Iruka. "If you _insist _on confiscating them, they will stay on 'Vibrate', just like everybody else's in the room."

* * *

><p>Iruka folded his arms, phones still in hand. "You two haven't exactly been behaving like the other people in the class now, have you?" He raised an eyebrow.<p>

"I know we haven't. For one, we're not the ones having a sneaky wank behind our desk. _Are we, Chouji_."

"SHUT _UP _INO!"

"Aww. Poor Chouji… _foreveralone_."

"I hate you, ugly _troll_."

"Now, I'm hardly _ugly_, am I? And since we're speaking in meme… _me gusta._" Ino made a 'V' with her index and middle finger and then wriggled her tongue between them. Chouji responded by giving her the finger.

"Eurgh gross, Baka-michi. I don't even _want _to know where that's been."

"_Fuck you, Ino_."

"Hah! YOU WISH, FATASS!" Ino scoffed and leant back in her chair, folding her arms. Then she sat up and looked Chouji in the eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have offended your weight. You might have a thyroid problem or something. But still- you are a _million _years too early to even _think _about getting with _this_."

"I know where '_this_' has been, and to be honest, I don't _anyone _wants to get with it."

Ino laughed incredulously. "Oh go cry into some cake, dickhead."

"Ino Yamanaka, _detention!_" Iruka had never had to deal with students this disruptive.

"What _for_?" She challenged.

"Inappropriate conduct and language in class."

"What and Chouji's not going to get on for dropping the F-Bomb?"

"He was provoked."

"But Sir, you're being unfair!"

"Detention, Haruno."

"_Pardon?_"

"What's _she _getting one for?"

"For texting in class."

"We weren't _texting, we were on BBM. _And anyway, if you're going to put _us _in Detention then Sasuke and Naruto should be punished too. It's _their _fault we were on our phones in the first place." Ino realised what she'd just said. She might be a slut and she might be a bitch, but she most definitely was _not _a snitch. "Wait. No. That's a lie. We were just texting each other. I was just… dreaming?"

* * *

><p>Iruka smirked. The entire class could practically see the '<em>Gotcha!<em>' thought bubble ping into place above his head. "Really, Miss Yamanaka? I think I'll just go and check the veracity of that statement with Mr Uchiha and Mr Uzumaki themselves. I'll be sure to send them your regards. And you can send them mine in Detention."

Iruka left the room and every face turned to Ino and Sakura. "And _what_?" Ino demanded. Everybody turned away but both girls knew that every conversation in the room right then was about them.

* * *

><p>"Ino, why do you always do this?" Sakura didn't look angry, just genuinely upset.<p>

"Do what? Get you dragged down in my shit? I'm _sorry Saks_, but you don't _have _to be friends with me you know. And I'm sorry for getting Sasuke involved in it but, you know I can't control my temper. And Iruka pissed me off."

"No," Sakura shook her head. "That's not what I'm talking about. Why do you always _deliberately _do things to make people think you're a horrible person? Every _single person _is talking about what just happened and they're _all _going to tell the rest of the school the _second _we get out of lessons. And in every single retelling, you're going to become skankier and bitchier and nobody's going to care why you did it. Why do you do that? I _know _you and you're not _really _like that at all."

Ino stared at her best friend for a few seconds, suddenly overcome with the urge to hug her. Regardless of how much they bantered; they really were best friends. She shook herself out of the moment and smirked at Sakura.

"Saks… don't psychoanalyse me, okay? I am what I am. Now- we have a much bigger problem at hand."

"Ino, are you sure you're- OY!"

* * *

><p>Ino had just leaned back as though stretching, grabbed one of the squeezy bottles of Distilled Water from the tray on the worktop behind them and squirted it all over Sakura's shirt.<p>

"Hahaahahaha! What're you going to do about it?"

"THIS!" Sakura grabbed another one, pulled off the lid and chucked it all over Ino.

* * *

><p><strong>All.<strong>

**Over.**

**Ino.**

* * *

><p>Who was wearing a white shirt and a neon pink bra.<p>

* * *

><p>"Didn't think that one through, did you Saks?" Ino shook her head at Sakura (who was staring with her mouth gaping open at the hand holding the (now empty) bottle of distilled water) in mock disapproval. "I swear that hand of yours is <em>possessed.<em>"

* * *

><p>-<em><strong>RIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!-<strong>_

* * *

><p>The school bell signalled the end of the lesson. "Oh shit! Ino, do you want my jumper? I'm wearing a vest- top underneath?"<p>

Ino raised an eyebrow. "Are you kidding me? I'm 5ft 7. You're like what, 2ft 1?"

"Oy!"

"-your jumper would _be _a vest top on me." She sighed and stood up. "Whatever." She shrugged. "Let's go Saks." She scooped all of her stuff into her bag and strode confidently out of the classroom, leaving a trail of water drops and slack jaws behind her.

* * *

><p>"Wow! Brave fashion statement there, Ino. But you know the Pops are going to have a <em>field <em>day with this one." Pops was what Tenten called all of the gossipy catty wannabe-popular girls throughout the school who spread rumours about people like Ino because they had nothing better to do with their lives. It was short for Popsicles: cold, empty (calories) and, when it got right down to it, they just can't stand the heat.

"Haha!" Ino smiled. "Look after Saks. We've had our Blackberries confiscated _and _I've gotten us into Detention with both her boyfriend _and _the boy she's in love with this Lunch. I think she's going to burst an aneurysm. I'll go and try to dry up with the hand dryer in the Toilets or something."

Tenten pulled a face. "The Pops are going to be in there in their masses you know- reapplying their Oompa Loompa masks." She rolled her eyes to further express her disapproval.

"I love you Tenten. Now, make sure Sakura doesn't start panic eating while I'm gone."

* * *

><p>Ino walked through school towards the Girls' Toilets with her head held high looking as though none of the looks or comments were bothering her at all. Well, she had her earphones in so the comments <em>weren't<em>. But she could see the looks.

'_It's not even my fault.'_ She couldn't help thinking.

"-no. HEY INO!" Somebody grabbed her shoulder from behind.

"WHAT?" She spun round, pulling out an earphone.

"Come with me." Shikamaru took her hand and began tugging her towards the bike sheds.

* * *

><p>Once they were out of sight and earshot, he let go and turned to face her. "What the hell are you wearing?"<p>

"Erm, a shirt?"

"Yes. But why is it _wet_?"

"Why is that _any of your business_. We're not in a relationship, remember."

Shikamaru ran a hand through his hair. "You're so _annoying_." He grumbled and began rooting through his bag for something.

"Look, if you're after a quickie at school- _not _behind the bikesheds please. I mean, this is just _so _cliché."

"Here. I'll keep guard. You go change."

"What?"

"Take it." He thrust the sweater at her again. It was black and clearly at least two sizes too big for her… but it looked warm. She took it.

"Thanks. But I'll go to the Changing Rooms."

"I just saw Temari head that way. But since you're all fearless and shit, go ahead. Be my guest." He smirked.

"Ah. Okay. No peeking." She smiled.

A few seconds later, she was back. "What do I do with this?" She brandished her damp shirt.

Shikamaru took it. "I'll deal with this."

"What're you going to do with it?"

"What do you think?" He smirked again at her and ruffled her hair. "You're a real pain, you know. I expect a pretty big _reward_ for this." He raised his eyebrows.

Ino smiled again. She didn't know for sure, but she _hoped _it was the one that would knock his breath away- even if her hair _was _a mess and she _was _dressed in an oversized mens' jumper. "Sure. My place at eight. Tonight." And with that, she walked away, being sure to make sure she looked good from the back.

She didn't even need to look back to know he was watching.

* * *

><p>'<em>Why am I getting even MORE looks now? What? WILL THESE PEOPLE NEVER BE HAPPY?' <em>Ino wanted to scream.

"Hey Ino- where the hell did you get that? The lost property bin?"

"I'd look good in anything." She did a twirl.

"Whoa. What was that?"

"What was what?"

"Come here, turn around." Tenten demanded.

And there, in giant white print on the back of what Tenten and everybody Ino had walked past on her way back to the Sixth Form Common Room recognised as the Leaf School's Year 12 Boys' Field Hockey Team's Goalie Sweater:

**NARA  
>29<strong>


End file.
